Arggggg... that "thing" has happened once again today... had to put out the fire via the phone. that "thing" seem to be my nemesis la! seriously i am going to clear that "thing" when i return! so have to get that "thing" corrected and rectify the bitch out of you. have to keep my fingers crossed that i will not get as much as compared to today. It is impossible to not receive a call.

Going to school in the day seriously, gives me a different perspective to school once again. feels so close to heart. it actually feels good to go back to school. As opposed to the usual drags that i have for evening class. The atmosphere is entirely different.

anyway, it was a first in my life to actually borrow a freaking textbook from the school lib. To top it off, i actually completed one part of it in the bus! but as the master of procrastination, i actually gave my evening away by not studying. what a contrast. Cant believe myself.

Oh! Since i am on the topic of the bus thing. There is this incident that occurred while i was on my way back home this evening. I was annoyingly interrupted by this ACS boy, he was accompanied by 2 other girl. What annoys me the most was the way he put him across, the actions and his voice and his bitch content. was a total put off. And seriously; it was then, that very moment where i actually realize the actual definition of a BITCH! WTF! that guy whines and bitch worse that a freaking girl. it was to the point where he was entertaining the girls! so the new world order now is to have the guy to bitch to the girls? isnt it the other way right. Freaking GAY!

Back to reality, getting my prelim results for 2 papers tmr. POA and MSM. i will expect to fail my POA, considering that i have only covered half the syllabus. MSM is a letdown, gave away 14 marks for Markov. I know how to do it, just lost the drift of it. I will expect a pass from that paper. Lets see what turns out tmr.

i am 2 hours behind scheduled time, i should start studying~ 30 odd days to my first paper... HUGE SIGH! i feel that i have aged like 10 years in advance or discounted 10 years due to my CONSTANT STATE OF WORRYING.

One of my many fears has happened. Unfortunate. Like damn it! F***!

Was struck by this song. Helps while studying, somehow. Nice rendition. liked the way how Chris Allen delivered it. Could feel the inner solemn. Inspiring, heartfelt, speechless...



I finally took the liberty to start studying.. Half a chapter... Not a good attempt... At least i started..

Living up to Expectations

Living up to Expectations

It was never easy living up to expectations. Throughout my life, expectations were often set, knowingly and unknowingly; some were made explicit while some were implicit. In some way i will strive to aim for it. Mainly because i never liked the feeling of letting someone down. Emotionally, i find it very hard to deal with. Unfortunately, i do not achieve what i aim for most of the time. I could only blame my own laziness and my constant state of procrastination for my own downfall. I could only vividly remember a few moments in my life where i do actually achieve what i wanted.

I guess the only time that i lived up to expectation was in secondary 2. Recollecting back, i don't think i have studied any harder than that. Back then, I was aiming for a pure science class. During mid term, i was still lagging behind. Some where around 75 out of 200 odd students in my cohort. I could remember my parents attended the meet-the-parents session. Seated in the school hall, while the principal was giving his speech, Mom whispered to me "Try your best to work for the pure science class". Somewhat, i did work hard. I studied very hard in fact. Strangely, i do not know where i get the energy and the mental strength to put through. At the end of the year, collected my results, i made it through. 5th in class, 38th in cohort standings. I was actually proud of myself.

Comes Sec 3, i somewhat lost my touch in studying. Everything just seem to work against me. Results were bad. Thankfully, i pulled through O levels. Then again, studying was never my thing, i was never study material. I wished i was a little smarter, equipped with a better brain to remember what i have to. At certain point, i even question my own Intel and wonder why am i so dumb. Like no kidding.

Exactly a year ago, i have made a decision to study a part time degree. A degree course that existing students deem as a difficult foreign degree and course to study. Nevertheless, i went ahead with the registration. I told myself to plunge into it and just study. Bridging classes started off may 2009. My first lesson was pure joy, everything was so familiar, reminiscing my poly days, i told myself then; " I did the right choice and i am thankful i started this year".

I went through bridging and jumped straight into 2nd year uni with open arms. From then til now, it has almost been a year. I am strangling through, so much so that it almost feels like Deja Vu from my Sec 3 days. Exams are not exactly very far away and i still couldn't find the energy and the sense of urgency to mug. This is very bad. I wouldn't want to enter the exam hall and sit through the paper not knowing how to do it! It will freaking kill me! The thought of it just makes me so lousy. Did i make the wrong decision a year ago? What about being right to start last year? sigh

I recalled Harjeet mentioning that Aries likes to think a lot. Think too much. I guess she might be right, but not totally. Lynette will totally agree to what i am going say next. I was thinking too much the night before my TP, i was practically worried of everything under the sun! Now, its the freaking exams that i am worried about. Trust me, i have sighed much more than i did for my TP. Like a god-zillion times more! This is like a symptom that doesn't have a remedy to. I have been so emotional these couple of weeks with no apparent reason. Probably, the stress. Than again, it actually just dawned on me that being emotional or stressed isn't the panacea to the problem! So, EMBRACE IT!

I hope that i will not exhaust myself before my finals. Neither do i want to crack under pressure and i will not let that happen. I am caught in between, am i too hard on myself and i should take a break or i should pull up my socks and kick some ass like how i did in sec 2. OK, I am in denial, LIKE WHAT THE HELL! DIDN'T STUDY STILL DARE SAY HARD ON MYSELF! LAWSONN! YOU ARE ONE DIFFICULT PERSON!

Oh wells, the only thing that can actually perk me up is the mid year trip to Genting or Macau and my little known humanitarian work that i would like to do at the end of the year. I hope ranting here will help me to knock some sense into me. IT BETTER WORK! TMR IS A BETTER DAY =)