Living up to Expectations

Living up to Expectations

It was never easy living up to expectations. Throughout my life, expectations were often set, knowingly and unknowingly; some were made explicit while some were implicit. In some way i will strive to aim for it. Mainly because i never liked the feeling of letting someone down. Emotionally, i find it very hard to deal with. Unfortunately, i do not achieve what i aim for most of the time. I could only blame my own laziness and my constant state of procrastination for my own downfall. I could only vividly remember a few moments in my life where i do actually achieve what i wanted.

I guess the only time that i lived up to expectation was in secondary 2. Recollecting back, i don't think i have studied any harder than that. Back then, I was aiming for a pure science class. During mid term, i was still lagging behind. Some where around 75 out of 200 odd students in my cohort. I could remember my parents attended the meet-the-parents session. Seated in the school hall, while the principal was giving his speech, Mom whispered to me "Try your best to work for the pure science class". Somewhat, i did work hard. I studied very hard in fact. Strangely, i do not know where i get the energy and the mental strength to put through. At the end of the year, collected my results, i made it through. 5th in class, 38th in cohort standings. I was actually proud of myself.

Comes Sec 3, i somewhat lost my touch in studying. Everything just seem to work against me. Results were bad. Thankfully, i pulled through O levels. Then again, studying was never my thing, i was never study material. I wished i was a little smarter, equipped with a better brain to remember what i have to. At certain point, i even question my own Intel and wonder why am i so dumb. Like no kidding.

Exactly a year ago, i have made a decision to study a part time degree. A degree course that existing students deem as a difficult foreign degree and course to study. Nevertheless, i went ahead with the registration. I told myself to plunge into it and just study. Bridging classes started off may 2009. My first lesson was pure joy, everything was so familiar, reminiscing my poly days, i told myself then; " I did the right choice and i am thankful i started this year".

I went through bridging and jumped straight into 2nd year uni with open arms. From then til now, it has almost been a year. I am strangling through, so much so that it almost feels like Deja Vu from my Sec 3 days. Exams are not exactly very far away and i still couldn't find the energy and the sense of urgency to mug. This is very bad. I wouldn't want to enter the exam hall and sit through the paper not knowing how to do it! It will freaking kill me! The thought of it just makes me so lousy. Did i make the wrong decision a year ago? What about being right to start last year? sigh

I recalled Harjeet mentioning that Aries likes to think a lot. Think too much. I guess she might be right, but not totally. Lynette will totally agree to what i am going say next. I was thinking too much the night before my TP, i was practically worried of everything under the sun! Now, its the freaking exams that i am worried about. Trust me, i have sighed much more than i did for my TP. Like a god-zillion times more! This is like a symptom that doesn't have a remedy to. I have been so emotional these couple of weeks with no apparent reason. Probably, the stress. Than again, it actually just dawned on me that being emotional or stressed isn't the panacea to the problem! So, EMBRACE IT!

I hope that i will not exhaust myself before my finals. Neither do i want to crack under pressure and i will not let that happen. I am caught in between, am i too hard on myself and i should take a break or i should pull up my socks and kick some ass like how i did in sec 2. OK, I am in denial, LIKE WHAT THE HELL! DIDN'T STUDY STILL DARE SAY HARD ON MYSELF! LAWSONN! YOU ARE ONE DIFFICULT PERSON!

Oh wells, the only thing that can actually perk me up is the mid year trip to Genting or Macau and my little known humanitarian work that i would like to do at the end of the year. I hope ranting here will help me to knock some sense into me. IT BETTER WORK! TMR IS A BETTER DAY =)